Dear Caller,

As you’ve heard, I’m either away from my desk or on the other line right now. (Possibly because I work 2 full days at my desk and on the other days I may have screaming children underfoot which doesn’t make for a professional image when answering calls)

I am based in the UK, however because on the three times you’ve called you’ve never left me your number, I can’t call you back. I even tried 1471 but the number that produces is invalid. I’m not a mind reader. I DO want your business. and I know you’d love my Cheeky Wipes. But I can’t help you if you don’t help yourself. So please, cut us some slack.

Firstly, please leave us a message. We don’t use an outsourced call-centre to handle our calls and take messages but we do have a rather low-tech answerphone which does exactly what it says on the tin. Leave a message and we will call you back, usually on the next business day.

Secondly, when you leave a message, please leave your name and number clearly – repeating your number is good and without it, leaving a ranty, shouty message saying that you’re frustrated you can’t talk to us is rather pointless!

Thirdly, take a deep breath before you pick up the phone next. Remember, we’re both human beings and I’m not avoiding you on purpose….