Baby Loss Awareness Month - October 2020
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you” Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings
"My eldest son, Sam was a “surprise”. My (now) husband and I had been together for 16 months when I fell pregnant. It seems that catching the bouquet at my friend’s wedding was bringing me a baby, not a wedding!
When we decided to start trying for another baby in July 2012 and due to the circumstances around Sam’s conception, we didn’t think it would be complicated at all. At the end of April 2013 we had our first positive result and we were so excited. I felt great as I had the first time round and was really happy to tell a group of close friends when we all headed on a May weekend away to celebrate various birthdays.
It was late May that I started bleeding and thought it would be best to go and see the Dr who referred me to the hospital to have a scan. There I was told that there was no baby. It was so very strange leaving the hospital that day. I knew when I went in what was going to be said, but you always have a little bit of hope that maybe there will be a different outcome. Hope is such a strong feeling. I made Jamie call people that day, there was almost an element of awkwardness and embarrassment for me. I don’t know why. I had nothing to be embarrassed about. Everyone just felt awful for us. I just struggled with the chats that followed and the focus being on us for something that was totally rubbish.
At the beginning of September, I had another positive result. It was a few days before Jamie and I were flying to New York to celebrate his 40th birthday. We were over the moon again, but also apprehensive due to the earlier miscarriage. I felt well again and off we went on a trip that we had been so excited about. A couple of days in and we were walking through Brooklyn on the way to visit a friend when I started getting stomach cramps. I didn’t want to think the worst, so we went to my friend for a bbq. Whilst there, I started bleeding again. It was awful. I didn’t want to tell her or ask for anything as she had a baby born sleeping many years before and I just didn’t feel I could (probably stupidly!) We left and I went to a drug store for painkillers and pads and we went back to our hotel. I didn’t even think to contact a doctor as it was so early and I knew what had happened.
It was completely surreal. We were on this trip of a lifetime together and I was having an early miscarriage whilst walking over the Brooklyn bridge on the most glorious day.
After the second miscarriage, I felt so disheartened and was so anxious about trying again. I know to some it may seem silly to have been affected in such a way as it was such early days, but it comes back to hope again. Hope for a new life, Hope for a new love, Hope for all the exciting things to come. We knew the joy of Sam, who was now 3 and so desperately wanted to share that with a new child.
December 2013 and I took a test on Christmas Eve to find I was pregnant. I didn’t tell a soul other than Jamie. In fact, I pretty much became a recluse for a few months. This, of course, meant everyone figured out I was pregnant, but to their credit nobody said anything as they knew what had happened in May. I don’t think I ever told anyone about what happened in New York. My own discomfort there again. We had an early scan to put my mind a little at rest and then when we had our 12 week scan and everything looked ok, we told a few people. The whole way through this pregnancy, there was always an element of doubt in my mind. I genuinely felt that until this baby was actually in my arms, then it might not happen.
Kit arrived in September 2014, just shy of 4 years after his brother and just over 2 years & 2 miscarriages after we started trying for him. He is a rainbow baby and he also LOVES rainbows and was definitely the child that was meant for us. I can’t imagine our home without him and his brother and I feel so lucky to have them as I know it’s not how it turns out for everyone.
Miscarriage is the most common complication of pregnancy with 1 in 4 women experiencing at least 1 miscarriage during their reproductive lifetime. This is a quarter of all mothers-to-be, a quarter of all families affected by loss.
Yet, it is still so taboo. My own awkwardness around my miscarriages, was based on how uncomfortable it might make the other person.
It’s so important that we start to open up around miscarriage and baby loss. That we all learn how we can support and not say something that could be hurtful. There are some wonderful charities that are there for guidance, support and research and I would urge you to reach out to them or donate if you can. They are vital resources for so many.
If you are experiencing Baby Loss, then just know that you are not alone. You’ll be surprised how many people have been through it too and you might just be the support that the other one needs."