Top 10 most disgusting things about being a Mum
2 CommentsTuesday, 22 April 2014 | Admin
Top 10 MOST disgusting things about becoming a Mum....
This is what they should warn you about BEFORE you get pregnant....
1/10 Toe Jam
Starting off gently with toe jam. Sure adults suffer from it too, but kids seem to be a bit more obsessed with picking their toes. It smells, even on babies. Not nice.
2/10 Ear Cheese
What is ear cheese? Where does that slightly crusty, slightly stinky gunk come from? What purpose does it serve? Why does shampooing not remove it without special attention? These and other questions remain unanswered....
3/10 Toilet paper in your lady bits
This isn't really a pregnancy related one but finding little bits of toilet paper in your lady bits is pretty gross. Much more hygienic (and ecofriendly) to use cloth wipes - yes you have to bung the used wipes in a box, then wash them every few days but it's no hassle (really!)
Little critters living on your head. YUCK. Whether you notice them scratching their head, or get the obligatory letter home from nursery, finding creepy crawlies in your childs hair (or your hair) is not nice. Cue a trip to boots for a giant bottle of conditioner, teatree oil and a nit comb. There is something vaguely satisfying about combing the little buggers out though....
5/10 Lochia & Periods
Lochia sucks. Periods suck. A side effect of delivering your gorgeous baby is that you'll bleed like a stuck pig for up to 6 weeks afterwards. Yes, it's natural and allow us to bear children but would any of us choose to bleed for 1/4 of our child bearing years? Probably not. Given that we do have to put up with it though, why does anyone choose to use disposable sanitary pads to deal with them? They're apt to be bulky, sweaty and liable to give you an inadvertent bikini wax if you stretch too far for your morning coffee. Much better to switch to supersoft, cloth sanitary pads. Modern ones even have wings to keep them in place. Easy to use, comfy and you'll be saving the planet too....
6/10 Filing Veruccas
Minging, just minging. Once you've tried trying all the usual non-invasive treatments (duct tape, teatree oil, salactol) it's time for caustic silver nitrate. It turns the offending wart black, but it then has to be filed with a nail file to remove the top layer to then work down to kill the root. 4 times this process has to be repeated. It worked but if I'd known that filing warts came as part of the parent job description, I might not have applied...
Until you have children you don't appreciate that children are literally snot machines. They can sneeze and shoot strings of thick, ropy green snot directly from their nose , down the length of their chin. Get used to it....until their immune systems learn to deal with the common cold, they will appear to be snotty for at least 10 months of the year. And don't even start with the nasal aspirator (fondly known as the snot sucker in our house). Double minging.
Being vomited upon is another parent requirement that doesn't get a huge write up in the job spec. It starts with milk spit up. You get used to leaving the house with a trail of spit up running down your back / shoulder / arm and smelling vaguely of sour milk. I know of at least one parent who has raised their baby above them, smiling and laughing. Until baby pukes INTO their open mouth. Yep. That actually happened.
But that is nothing until their first proper vomit with actual food, when you realise that children can projectile vomit like something from the exorcist. Complete with head spinning, revolting smell and the ability to kill shag pile rugs forever. And don't even start with car sickness. Even after a life-threatening attempt to clean it and child up by the side of the M25 with lorries thundering past, you're trapped with the smell until you reach your destination.
Babies can poo for England. Every parent can share poo stories. From getting onto a flight with 6 week old baby and sitting down beside a business man who looked up with horror, only to find that poo was dripping out the bottom of the baby carrier and down my front. To the baby who dripped diarrhoea down the front of their Mum's wedding guest outfit. Who had no spare outfit (obviously).
Realising that the reason there was a brown smear on the swimming pool slide was because your child had poo'ed in their swim nappy (cue pool evacuation). To scooping blobs of poo out of the campsite swimming pool with your bare hands in the mistaken belief that your child had poo'd in the pool (only to find they hadn't and it was someone else's childs poo)
Pooing on the floor in Debenhams, out the bottom of a dress. Poo exploding out the top of the nappy, back of trousers and onto the floor. Just in time for them to roll in it. Using poo as a paint substitute for the walls. There is literally no end to it.
10/10 Projectile Pooping
This deserves a special category all of it's own. Every one of my children has had this dubious skill. Usually timed to coincide with an overnight feed, with my boobs out. I'd gently remove a stinky nappy, only to have them tilt their cute little bum, aim with deadly accuracy and fire. Cue dripping breastfed baby poo, dripping off breastfeeding breasts.
I've also seen poo literally SPRAYED over a changing mat, walls, floor and cot. Like a fire hose but brown.
Please share your most disgusting baby stories - we love a laugh!